I just added another ex wife to a long list of them with the recent divorce from Sheri Anne Nemelka. Following suit, Sheri is hurt and very upset, lashing out in her hurt and disgust of my “cruel[ty] and [being] void of human compassion.” I told Sheri many years ago that if we ever split up, she would end up hating me and would become my enemy and critic. She didn’t believe me and argued that statement. Sheri said that she was different than all the rest, and that she wold never lash out at me. Well, unfortunately, I was right.
Now, “hate” might not be the right word. How about not really hating me, but hating what I did to her.
What I did to Sheri I’ve done to many women in my past. I have emotionally abused them … well, at least according to them … and according to the world’s view, and I admit my guilt in this.
Sheri was no better or worse than any of the others. She stayed in my life much longer than any of the rest, which increased her codependency and love for me. But I DID emotionally abuse Sheri, just like I DID all the rest. I admit to this.
If anyone were to get to know any of my ex wives or ex girlfriends, one would say that they are incredible women; that they are kind, compassionate, caring, giving, beautiful, and in many ways the creme de la creme of women.
So why did I abuse them? How did I abuse them?
It would be wonderful to gather all of my exes in the same room and get their testimony and witness against me. Of what would they be able to testify? What would be the evidence of the abuse of which I am guilty? Well, in all honesty, I’m not them, so I can’t suppose that I would know what they would say.
My life and the values that are normally held by a person in regards to another with whom one has an intimate and daily association, changed 180 degrees on June 16, 1987. After my “enlightenment” there was no way I would ever be able to value a relationship with a woman the same way I did just the day before. Jackie Stoll Nemelka Howard was the first to be abused. Jackie, in my opinion, was the most abused; and in my opinion, was one of the, if not the, best of my exes.
I’m not going to detail each of these relationships right now. My autobiography will detail each one and present my true feelings about the women who shared my life. The women will shine above most. I did have the creme de la creme of women. If I had the opportunity to speak with each, I would tell them this. This opportunity will probably not occur with most of the past women in my life. They are emotionally affected in my presence, and none are going to take the chance of letting my actual kindness and compassion for them counter their hate and disgust for how I treated them. Their hate is what protects their emotions. Their hate is what allowed them to go on and love again, finding better relationships with “normal” men.
If cross-examined in a situation where my exes would have to tell the real truth or present viable evidence otherwise, it would be known that I was romantic, sexual, funny, engaged, and otherwise a pretty good catch, as far as most men go. But what I wasn’t … what I couldn’t be … was “in love” and faithful to our relationship. I loved myself and my life more than I loved any of these women.
It was my last, Sheri, to whom I explained this perfectly and honestly before we started a relationship. I told Sheri, from almost the very first moment that we were contemplating a relationship: “It’s all about me. It will never be about you.” Sheri would have to honestly respond that that’s what I said and what I reiterated throughout our thirteen years together.
Since June 16, 1987, it’s ALWAYS been about me.
But sadly, not one of the women in my life has ever really known ME.
I’ve contemplated my life from now on very intensely. I even met a woman who is intelligent, beautiful and enhances all of the good attributes of all of my exes. But I refuse to pursue any type of relationship with her. I will end up emotionally abusing her like I have so many others.
The solution is simple.
Remain alone and unattached for the rest of my days in this life. There is no other way to stop abusing women.
So alone, I will remain … possibly worlds without end. (That was for you, Sheri. 🙂 )